Saturday, 21 November 2015

the joys of online dating

after declaring my intentions to date here, the time has come to open the door to my life of dating or lack there of. but you have to start somewhere hey! and only by being totally open to all opportunities and out of my comfort zone will i be able to jump into the ratio that is about 1 billion single women to every 2 single men. i haven't had to think about this for 10 years, and i have no idea where to start but it's going to be the most obvious - online, single groups and chance meetings. luckily, my "yes man" philosophy is sitting well and i guess dating is no different to anything else in our life - work, hobbies - if you keep your mind open to any possibility, then who knows what can happen and that may require a big step away from that comfortable feeling that we all know and love.

last night i went to a meetup group (more about that another time) and there was a person there who said they drove to the event and sat in their car for half an hour before they could bring themself to walk into a room full of single strangers.  no, it wasn't me. but i did have my moment of fear as i walked into the unknown, but i managed that with a "fuck it, just do it" outlook, after all, we are all just people what is there to possibly be scared of.....

on that occasion there was nothing to worry about, unlike the recent horror of online dating that i have been exploring. when i met my ex husband 10 years ago online there was no facebook, no tinder, or POF, or ok cupid - but there was rsvp and match and gee it seemed simpler then.

online dating is really going into the unknown, cause there is no instant connection, and with so many scammers out there, you don't even know if the person who has contacted you is real.  i love reverse google image - you right click and check the image, and it can be a good way to check if there is potentially some level of truth in the person you are about to correspond with.  online dating now is cray cray and here is what i was met with when i put a profile online a few months back. honestly, the things that women have to deal with in the real and virtual world is unbelievable. thanks goodness i have a ridiculous sense of humour.


i am an opened minded woman with a clear checklist of what i am looking for in a man.
1. single
2. single
3. respectful
4. straight
5 age appropriate
6 single
7 funny, funny is good
8 in my vicinity
9 romance would be nice
10 not to be a dickhead

i think that's reasonable yeah?  many men online don't have the word "relationship' in their looking for area of their profile matching, they are looking for miss right now and as a woman, if i don't have the word "relationship" in my profile, then you become a magnet for the hook up crew. i think these men who are only looking for "nothing serious" are probably going to end up very lonely old men with a tired hand.

well here is what greeted me on my first online encounter after 10 years


i woke up to a message from a 24 year old - yes - 24 that's like half my age....
"i want to F*&K you so hard" (total romancer - i am thinking. that's a lovely way to start my day, but could i at least brush my teeth to get rid of morning breath and the horror that i just breathed in when i read that)
he then sent another message the next day
"i want to lick your p*&sy (But i don't have a cat and if i did, i am pretty sure it wouldn't want to be licked by a 24 year old) i know cats like to lick themself and that's okay, because it's their choice.
BLOCKED mr 24 year old.  hoorooh!
and then there was the 19 year old
him: hey
me: probs not
him: not even for a night of fun
me: no, i've got stretch marks older than you.

oh another one - 18
you want to come over
sure, just check with your parents if it's okay.

the young ones just keep coming and if they are hoping for a mrs robinson moment, then they better be prepared for disappointment cause as much as i love leopard print, i don't have a matching bra and undies set.
let's get a bit more age appropriate hey
the 67 year old man
he contacted me and said that he didn't realise that there was online dating 10 years ago
i said yes there was and even before then
he said, i get that, do you get me.

oh for fucks sake. like i know i am no spring chicken, but really, i like to dance and run and be silly and i need someone who isn't living in a caravan in a retirement village.
who want's more - cause there is more...
a 22 year old messaged to tell me how lovely my smile was
thanks i said.
he then asked if i wanted a night of fun
no thanks i said
would it make a difference if i said i had an 8" cock
yes it would, i said, it would tell me that you are a fuckwit who only wants to sexually harass women.

now speaking of cocks.....
this guy is wasting his talent - he should be earning the big bucks doing pornos.

i've also had a cross dresser checking me out - but i think that he is just after fashion tips.
there have been plenty of global and local masterminds - the hello dear, it's so lovely to meet you dear, the hi hun, the hey sexy, distance doesn't matter we are destined to be together - oh PULEASE. my bullshit monitor is going into the red zone.

and don't forget the guys who get annoyed if you don't respond in a split second.  i have a life that doesn't revolve around this.  i had one guy get annoyed because i didn't message him back straight away.  you could have just messaged to say you would reply later...FFS if i was going to get up from my eyelash extension appointment and write that to you, i would probably have just sent you a message.

i've also been asked to meet guys in bars at night and of course that's what every smart, responsible respectful woman does, isn't it?
and have there been any success stories - not so much, but i have had some people just stopping by to say i look lovely, or i dress nice and could teach some of the other women on dating sites about how to look decent.

oh and i got these
and have i gone on any actual dates?  well i met up with one man.  the was no click, but he was respectful both on and offline and that's a good start.

now this one has to be the weirdest of all. a guy messaged me and challenged me about something in my profile and of course my courteous response was "get lost". zero in common, he offended me from the start, WTF. as i had my instagram profile linked to this site, he could obviously see my outfits and and some locations i was taking them in and he started to comment on my outfits and began to check in on me to see how i was. he became far less offensive and far more genuine.
one day he told me to step away from the bronwyn oliver.  this magnificent sculpture is in the residents block at freshwater place and i was talking to the concierge that morning and she said that the sculptor had sadly taken her life not long after doing this piece.

so clearly this guy had some connection to the arts as he recognised the piece straight away.  it became kind of an ice breaker, but as i started to get settled into find a place, i didn't spend much time online cause i figured that having a place to live was higher up on the list than dating.  so i didn't hear from him again or from anyone for that matter.

when my son was visiting last month, we had dinner in town and i was going to walk to the restaurant, but he suggested i take the city loop train. i had heard of this phenomenon that is the city loop, but never used it until that day.  i headed off and asked directions from the station staff as to where i catch it and as i made my way to the platform, a guy stopped and started calling me - you, i know you, yes i know you.  oh no, i have a random guy yelling at me in the subway.

i said, sorry, i have no idea who you are, he insisted that i did and i said nope, i don't. well you know me he said.  it was the guy from online - the statue guy.  he didn't even have a photo that showed his whole face on his profile, so i had to put the puzzle together.  we had a great conversation in the subway and swapped numbers.

this chance meeting happened on the same day that i decided to totally close of the previous chapter of my life.

well,  i am not sure that online dating will be the right forum for me but this was certainly a strange encounter and one that left me with a belief that the universe works in mysterious ways.

so i will continue to see whether there are actually any age appropriate, genuine, respectful, single, funny guys out there in the virtual world who will be worth responding to, but they gotta start the conversation with better manners than they have been.

next stop is meeting people in the real world.


  1. Curious to hear what women thought about their online dating experiences, we asked them... and were floored by their responses. geek

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