The next 30 days

Well I guess you may be wondering why i have a picture of a book called The 30 Day Sobriety Solution? Well I don't just have a picture, i actually have the book and i am reading it.

So where do i start here without sounding like i am some closet alcoholic (which i am not - or i don't think i am).....i am winging it i guess, but as I continue to grow as a human and want to live my best life possible, then it only makes sense that i do things that enhance, rather than hinder my time on the planet. 

I have committed to living consciously - it is my year of tantra - and I can't do that if I am making choices that don't align to my belief system and goals that i wish to achieve. It's like robbing Dan Murphy to pay BWS. And I have now committed to exploring a period of being alcohol free and who knows, maybe never drinking again - that's something only time will tell, but for now, i will go one step at a time.

I'm a strong, together, fearless woman, so why the hell do i need a book to help me do this, when i could just not have a drink when i get home or when i go out. I tried that.  My willpower isn't very strong - just ask the easter bunny, who lures me in each year to buy and eat more chocolate than i ever need.  However, my desire to drink isn't actually something that enters my thoughts during the day, so i don't believe that my consumption of alcohol is all consuming, but i believe it is a habit that has grown over the years, and due to my lifestyle. Apart from having a few drinks at night, i would only have a drink on the weekend during the day if i was doing something social or occasionally where i may stop and have a late afternoon drink if i was out. I work in an industry that has zero tolerance for alcohol and drugs and i would never do anything to compromise my job, or the safety of me or anyone else.

I don't drink because i am unhappy, or depressed, or stressed, or to drown my sorrows or mask pain from the past, i like a drink because i have actually enjoyed it and because it is a habit.  What i have discovered though is that at times i have drunk enough to warrant me to question whether the outcome of having a few drinks is benefiting me in any way and i have to conclude that it probably isn't so. 

I remember my first taste of alcohol - teenage experimentation, where i was in the home liquor cupboard making a little mix of everything in the cupboard cause that's what teens did. It tasted like shit, but as teenagers do, they sometimes continue on experimenting and having a few crazy experiences as part of our journey. I was no different.  I didn't really drink very much from about 17 onward, because i got my license and going to the beach on the weekends and being able to drive was far more important than anything, so drinking wasn't that big a deal. I was also having panic attacks (which i wasn't aware of what they were at the time) so i wasn't interested in going nuts.  I also had a child very young and drinking didn't really factor into my life that much then either. I didn't not drink, but i didn't drink much.

As time progressed, i had my moments of partying and celebrating and enjoying the odd spew or 2, but it was the lesser, not the norm.

When I drink, i am the same as when i don't. I am happy, fun, giggly, silly and then i go to sleep. But what i noticed, is that i am just having a glass more than i should and that's too much.  My mother has never cared for booze.  My father though, was an alcoholic who would be abusive, drink and drive and from memory seemed to always need a drink. As the combination of those two people, i guess it has potential to go either way.

My drinking kind of became more frequent when i met my ex husband.  He was a big drinker and an angry drinker. He would drink to the point that some kind of trigger would cause him to snap.  He wouldn't remember anything from his abuse of me and others, his actions that i would watch unfold, as a great night would suddenly turn into one sided fight because i looked at him the wrong way, or me or a stranger said something that he felt offended him. That's not healthy association with alcohol and even now in my apartment in the city, i am awoken by drunken couples screaming on the street after having too many drinks.  To hear the fear in these women's screams is not okay, and breaking that cycle is very hard.

Enough of the past hey, but context is important. Let's look ahead and keep our eye on the prize. Like most people, every night was wine time. I love a glass of wine or 3 - red, white or pink - it doesn't matter, some bubbles - red, white or pink, it doesn't matter, some beers, a tequila shot or 2, an espresso martini makes me tingle all over and nothing like a bailey's and ice to sip at the end of the night. NOTE. I do not have this combination each time i drink.  This isn't a chinese buffet where you get to have everything on the menu, they are just some of my faves. 

I've lived alone for the past 18 months and i don't have anyone to share a drink with, i only have myself and the change in my personal circumstances has bought a change in drinking habits which i don't believe are for the better.

I've had a few times when i have woken up after having been out, or having a few drinks at home and gone - that's enough - i feel crap, did i really drink that much? And i don't think i want to drink anymore. There's been a few nights here or there where i haven't drunk, but it's pretty much been everyday - like most people. I don't want my future relationship to be with aspirin, and the wrong kind of fuzzy feeling.

I don't want anyone to think that this is a cry for help because it isn't - it's far from it. I am perfectly fine - happy - healthy - and totally okay. There have been a few events over the past months that have got me thinking about different aspects pf my life and outcomes i want and i want to make clear positive unimpaired choices. My son is staying with me as he addresses his addiction to codeine so it seems timely and fitting that i should set a great example for him while doing something great for me. 

I didn't set out to find this book - The 30 day sobriety solution - i'd never even heard of it, but chanced upon it at an op shop - so i guess it found me and wants me to use it. And that's exactly what i am going to do and document my journey along the way. I really want to understand the psychology behind addiction given my current circumstances, but also, I am 50. i'm at a time when most people are making change because they need to.  I am making changes because i want to and i really want my life to open up even further for me.

You know what, i have a great life during my time when i don't have alcohol, so i am pretty sure i can have a great time just being me and doing what i do when i would normally be drinking......sounds fair hey!

Of course i am not sure what the outcome of this will be - what emotions or feelings i will have or what to expect, but there is only one way to find out and i guess i'll know when i reach day 30. This is the right choice for me at this time and of course if it helps anyone make change for the better, then i want to help lead the way.  Let's hit the record button and see what happens.

how hard can it be?

date night - or should i say fright night

i am nothing if not honest about sharing my life journey and i have to say the only way i could get a date is if one fell off the tree and landed on my head....

i consider myself
1. attractive
2. funny
3 smart
4 i have no hangups or baggage
5 and i dress and smell nice
6 oh, and i could pay for the date if i wanted to

all good qualities that should make me an ideal candidate for someone to want to spend time getting to know, or even want to have a cheeky snog with.

but no, it would appear not. i have probably only had about 2 dates in my whole life - you know the ones where someone says ......would you like to go out and........in fact, i don't even think it's 2.

but i did go on numerous dates with my ex husband who i met on the internet in 2004.  those were very different internet dating times i can assure you, because it wasn't really as big and as ugly as it appears to be now and as a single woman (or fresh meat as i would call newly single women i knew) it is time to explore the world of dating - at nearly 50.  YIKES......

as i had to continue living with my ex-husband up until july this year, after separating last november, there wasn't really any place for exploring new relationships in that environment, especially as the wind of change started blowing through and blew me to the other end of the country, but earlier this year, while we were still in the strange living arrangement, i did tell him that i was ready to start dating and of course that wasn't met so well - but at least i was open and honest about it, afterall, i knew there was no turning back.

the reality is, that i never really did anything about it (apart from setting up a profile online and fielding off numerous interesting suitors - oh do i have some stories to share).

the reason for this was that i felt so guilty for leaving him (guilt which has now been dealt with) and guilt that should never have been there in the first place.  you see after all the telling me how his life was miserable and he feels there was future for him, and i broke his heart etc etc etc, i just got bogged down in this guilt in order to not make him feel worse, so the joy of the things that were unfolding were still overshadowed - STUPID

because you know what happened?  well the man who wouldn't go the extra mile for me to work on making our future better, and was so heartbroken and ensured i knew exactly how heartbroken, has been able to go 6 inches for someone he barely met just 2 months after our very shared living arrangements came to an end.  and the reason i share this, is because you should never spend your life waiting, or thinking that you need to protect another person's feelings ahead of your own, in some cases.  i spent too long doing that. even before leaving the marriage i was weighed down with the fear of not having the courage to stand up and actually do what needed to be done because of what may come and when i finally did it, it felt so good, to say the words that i had rehearsed in my mind so many times.

i like to think that people's actions match their words and this time when it became apparent that they didn't it was hurtful (even though i ended it) it was surprising and it left me feeling that there was no need for me to be feeling bad then, or now, or AT ALL about making this life change and the fallout that followed it.

i had my 3rd session at the EAP this week.  wow that has been so good, just being able to go and share what i was feeling and then go away and absorb it all, make sense of it all and move on (positive self talk is brilliant).  so at this session, when it became clear i got nothing further to deal with, she asked me what i now felt guilty about......NOTHING i said - i have no reason to feel guilty about anything - why the fuck did i feel bad about choosing my own life.   i left with my stomach turning from good anxiety - there were butterflies because of the excitement of what is ahead of me.

i like to think of myself as a woman of action and with that let's open the door to the next adventure hey.......it's time to date.  it's time to become a visible woman who's nearly 50 and still up for a bit of flirting and fun and i am going to start by letting the universe know that i am single and i am emotionally available.  how good is that!

these are real dating profile pics apparently - and that's how to look like you are ready for a long term loving future with mister right now, don't you think?

as for me, well i am not really sure what to do next, but i know it won't involve wearing a mermaid outfit, sitting in a bubble bath, eating a banana suggestively and drinking a glass of wine, while wearing rubber gloves, cause i think that would really turn some people on....and i am not sure that they would be my people.

but the woman of action will start by doing something more than she has done previously, that's for sure. and item number 1 will be to ensure that she checks for lippy on her teeth, cause i am not sure how that rates on the attractiveness scale of possible connections.

Aussie Curves challenge - bridal

I may no longer be a married lady, but that isn't going to stop me sharing a post about bridal.  No relationship breakdown is ever nice, and for me it certainly wasn't what i was expecting when we made the commitment.  Sadly though a series of unplanned, un-navigatable events occurred that ultimately changed our relationship. I'd describe it like the continuation of the tides - they ebb and flow and you know the shoreline and then something happens and the sand moves and the shore is no longer the same.  I know it's called, erosion, but i'd prefer to think of it as a shift in the sands.

I did love my wedding and the dress was one that i had in my head and then had it made into reality by my mum. after searching and searching for just the right materials. I am non traditional that's for sure, so there was no white frock, veil or any of the other things that are associated with weddings - yes there was a rings, cake, a bar tab and a honeymoon, but that's about it.  Oh and i was given some pansy's out of my cousins garden.  they were given to her by my beautiful nana before she died and had flowered around the same time as the wedding.

Well here's the dress - it doesn't look as good hanging on a coat hanger, as it does hanging on a body, but it is full of detail - such as bells, crystals, sequins, braids and all hand sewn on by me in the time leading up to the day.

The dress is a black stretch top that my mum attached to the skirt she made.  It was tricky to do, but she is amazing and used her skills to make it work. It was hard to find the right top, but after a fair bit of looking around, i found one that felt just right. Once the pieces were joined, i set about embellishing.  As i said everything here is hand sewn on and each individual bell, crystal and the motifs below had to be put on one by one.

 

 

 

 

     

On a trip to india my sister and i came across a place that sold amazing beads, trims and motifs and i decided to use some on my dress and on my shoes.  The individual glass crystals and bells came from Bead Trimming and Craft, which is now at Stones Corner.

So that's my bridal post - and i am sorry, i can't share pictures of me in the dress cause it's just to weird.  What i will do though is wear the dress again, cause it is beautiful and holds great memories of a great day and I certainly shouldn't feel sad for having had such a great relationship with so many wonderful experiences along the way, including this one.

aussie curves challenge - style inspiration

how do you know when you find the style that is right for you?  what inspires it and how do you bring it to life?

i had a period of my life, where i kind of fell into a style slump.  it's not that i wasn't bothered, but i was a single working mum, living a lifestyle that didn't really allow me to spend a great deal on fashion and it became a bit of a why bother kind of thing.  i always wanted to look nice but fashion wasn't the most important thing in my life.

once things settled into a better lifestyle routine, i started to make some changes.  my son and i moved to highgate hill and lived in the iconic torbreck building.  Living in west end/highgate hill made me come alive. i felt like i belonged somewhere and was able to let my style shine through.  i slowly started to incorporate different elements into my looks cause in west end, anything went.

not long after this my sister moved to india on posting and then began to send me parcels of stuff and one of the parcels contained these incredible shawls and beautiful garnet jewellery. the jewellery went on and never came off for many years and the shawls were so incredible that i'd never seen many around, and when i wore them to certain events, i would feel amazing and they were a great talking point and they had a story.

she would continue to send parcels containing trinkets and clothes she got at markets and many of them were adorned with beading, sequins or just generally fantastic and unusual and i started to build a look that became my own. then started, the where did you get your outfit question. a question that i still get nearly 20 years on. these items, teamed with my own re ignition of sewing saw my wardrobe slowly build.

my style inspiration has definitely been from india.

i ended up going to india for a holiday in 2000 and quit my job and stayed for 6 months.  india is a country of extremes - poverty vs wealth, dirty vs clean and the one constant in all this is colour. colour is everywhere - from the buildings, to the food, to the clothes and didn't that make my heart sing.

 

 

while i was in india, i got to see some incredible fabrics, beadwork, traditional clothing and after months of living in a world that made me feel so humbled and inspired i returned home with many treasures, including this 60cm statue, my bobble head people (grandma and grandpa) hand beaten cutlery that was all bundled into my suitcase amongst all my other goodies.

if you went to a traditional indian party or a wedding, it was pretty normal to wear something colourful and adorned (hence the sari above) and if you have been to an indian clothing store in australia, it is wall to wall beauty and it's hard not to be mesmerised by the amazing colour and beading.

of course my bags also contained many pieces of beautiful clothing mostly from the market along with a few other beauties that i keep tucked away.

for this challenge, i was excited to get out on the footpath and do some twirling.

 

 

 

 

 

the indian style influence is definitely something that is with me most days with my silver bangles only ever getting taken off if i am going through airport security, getting a massage or have to enter a library (they jingle a lot).

 

my look above was my work outfit for Friday and quite timely given that i decided to share my style inspiration.

I certainly wouldn't want to be someone who is pidgeonholed as only having one style, but india was definitely the kicker for me and i find most outfits are inspired by it in one way or another - whether it be colour, jewellery, texture or something pink and when you combine them all together - KABOOM - it's like a party that is waiting to happen.

Does finding a style that suits come from experimentation, magazines, from family and friends, people on the street or like me through travel - there are so many opportunities to build on the inspiration that is all around us. Go forth and style it up.

what i wore

pink skirt and tie up top from new delhi, india

shawl from janpath new delhi, india

singlet from target

necklace and anklets from fiji

workwear was

jeans from target

shoes from mollini

top and earrings from india

aussie curves challenge - festival

my these challenges come around quick.

when i think of festival, i straight away think of music, but there are so many great cultural festivals to enjoy as well.  after all, i am 48 and the thought of being squashed in a mosh pit waiting to see one direction, with some teeny boppers isn't appealing.

saturday night saw us heading into west end for the annual rio rythmics brazilian carnival. it started at the boundary street markets, which is such a vibrant place on friday and saturday evenings, with great food and often free music, interspersed with buskers and performers of various kinds.  did i mention the food.  even me, the vegetarian, had plenty to choose from.

as soon, as i saw this event come up on facebook, i decided to go and knew exactly what i was going to wear and it was going to be gold and it was going to be razzle dazzle and it was going to be straight from the huudaverti runway.  the gold cross over jumpsuit.  how luxe is this?  the fabric came from a local brisbane fabric wholesaler and it was part of our collection in 2013, following our showing in Full Figured Fashion Week, in New York.

this jumpsuit for me has only had one other outing to a work function, but last saturday, it was festival worthy.

i even met elvis and gave him a run for his money in the fashion stakes. couldn't compete with the hair though...

and when the sun went down, the street was closed and in true west end style, the locals put on a show, with music, costumes, dancing, and parading, all while welcoming the onlookers into the mix to enjoy the fun.

  

 

i jumped at the chance to crash the parade and have my photo taken with these amazing people who were out doing what they love.

 

having been to rio, i really appreciate the festival that is carnivale (i've even been to where they hold it).  the brazilians have a passion for life (not to mention caipirinhas) and i felt chuffed to be part of the local event that they had prepared for, for so many months. and i think my festival outfit was right on point.

what i wore:
gold jumpsuit from huudaverti
shoes from midas
necklaces that i have had forEVA
lust for life that is what is known as janergy