Wednesday, 1 March 2017

The next 30 days

Well I guess you may be wondering why i have a picture of a book called The 30 Day Sobriety Solution? Well I don't just have a picture, i actually have the book and i am reading it.
So where do i start here without sounding like i am some closet alcoholic (which i am not - or i don't think i am).....i am winging it i guess, but as I continue to grow as a human and want to live my best life possible, then it only makes sense that i do things that enhance, rather than hinder my time on the planet. 

I have committed to living consciously - it is my year of tantra - and I can't do that if I am making choices that don't align to my belief system and goals that i wish to achieve. It's like robbing Dan Murphy to pay BWS. And I have now committed to exploring a period of being alcohol free and who knows, maybe never drinking again - that's something only time will tell, but for now, i will go one step at a time.

I'm a strong, together, fearless woman, so why the hell do i need a book to help me do this, when i could just not have a drink when i get home or when i go out. I tried that.  My willpower isn't very strong - just ask the easter bunny, who lures me in each year to buy and eat more chocolate than i ever need.  However, my desire to drink isn't actually something that enters my thoughts during the day, so i don't believe that my consumption of alcohol is all consuming, but i believe it is a habit that has grown over the years, and due to my lifestyle. Apart from having a few drinks at night, i would only have a drink on the weekend during the day if i was doing something social or occasionally where i may stop and have a late afternoon drink if i was out. I work in an industry that has zero tolerance for alcohol and drugs and i would never do anything to compromise my job, or the safety of me or anyone else.

I don't drink because i am unhappy, or depressed, or stressed, or to drown my sorrows or mask pain from the past, i like a drink because i have actually enjoyed it and because it is a habit.  What i have discovered though is that at times i have drunk enough to warrant me to question whether the outcome of having a few drinks is benefiting me in any way and i have to conclude that it probably isn't so. 

I remember my first taste of alcohol - teenage experimentation, where i was in the home liquor cupboard making a little mix of everything in the cupboard cause that's what teens did. It tasted like shit, but as teenagers do, they sometimes continue on experimenting and having a few crazy experiences as part of our journey. I was no different.  I didn't really drink very much from about 17 onward, because i got my license and going to the beach on the weekends and being able to drive was far more important than anything, so drinking wasn't that big a deal. I was also having panic attacks (which i wasn't aware of what they were at the time) so i wasn't interested in going nuts.  I also had a child very young and drinking didn't really factor into my life that much then either. I didn't not drink, but i didn't drink much.

As time progressed, i had my moments of partying and celebrating and enjoying the odd spew or 2, but it was the lesser, not the norm.

When I drink, i am the same as when i don't. I am happy, fun, giggly, silly and then i go to sleep. But what i noticed, is that i am just having a glass more than i should and that's too much.  My mother has never cared for booze.  My father though, was an alcoholic who would be abusive, drink and drive and from memory seemed to always need a drink. As the combination of those two people, i guess it has potential to go either way.

My drinking kind of became more frequent when i met my ex husband.  He was a big drinker and an angry drinker. He would drink to the point that some kind of trigger would cause him to snap.  He wouldn't remember anything from his abuse of me and others, his actions that i would watch unfold, as a great night would suddenly turn into one sided fight because i looked at him the wrong way, or me or a stranger said something that he felt offended him. That's not healthy association with alcohol and even now in my apartment in the city, i am awoken by drunken couples screaming on the street after having too many drinks.  To hear the fear in these women's screams is not okay, and breaking that cycle is very hard.

Enough of the past hey, but context is important. Let's look ahead and keep our eye on the prize. Like most people, every night was wine time. I love a glass of wine or 3 - red, white or pink - it doesn't matter, some bubbles - red, white or pink, it doesn't matter, some beers, a tequila shot or 2, an espresso martini makes me tingle all over and nothing like a bailey's and ice to sip at the end of the night. NOTE. I do not have this combination each time i drink.  This isn't a chinese buffet where you get to have everything on the menu, they are just some of my faves. 

I've lived alone for the past 18 months and i don't have anyone to share a drink with, i only have myself and the change in my personal circumstances has bought a change in drinking habits which i don't believe are for the better.

I've had a few times when i have woken up after having been out, or having a few drinks at home and gone - that's enough - i feel crap, did i really drink that much? And i don't think i want to drink anymore. There's been a few nights here or there where i haven't drunk, but it's pretty much been everyday - like most people. I don't want my future relationship to be with aspirin, and the wrong kind of fuzzy feeling.
I don't want anyone to think that this is a cry for help because it isn't - it's far from it. I am perfectly fine - happy - healthy - and totally okay. There have been a few events over the past months that have got me thinking about different aspects pf my life and outcomes i want and i want to make clear positive unimpaired choices. My son is staying with me as he addresses his addiction to codeine so it seems timely and fitting that i should set a great example for him while doing something great for me. 

I didn't set out to find this book - The 30 day sobriety solution - i'd never even heard of it, but chanced upon it at an op shop - so i guess it found me and wants me to use it. And that's exactly what i am going to do and document my journey along the way. I really want to understand the psychology behind addiction given my current circumstances, but also, I am 50. i'm at a time when most people are making change because they need to.  I am making changes because i want to and i really want my life to open up even further for me.

You know what, i have a great life during my time when i don't have alcohol, so i am pretty sure i can have a great time just being me and doing what i do when i would normally be drinking......sounds fair hey!

Of course i am not sure what the outcome of this will be - what emotions or feelings i will have or what to expect, but there is only one way to find out and i guess i'll know when i reach day 30. This is the right choice for me at this time and of course if it helps anyone make change for the better, then i want to help lead the way.  Let's hit the record button and see what happens.

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