hello wooorrrrlllddd - i'm back, now let's get our tantra on!

so facebook, the keeper of all things of importance has advised me today that it's been 183 days since i posted onto my page - that's 183 days since i sat down and wrote anything.  i'm not sure why i stopped, but i just seemed to have so much going on that each week this would just get pushed back and back till eventually it stalled.  there might have been a bit of blogging burnout thrown in there as well. Regardless of how big or small your blog is, it requires commitment and thought. and quite frankly, i just couldn't commit or think....but i am back, i think!

last year was a fun one though, as i continued to settle into melbourne life and find my feet and of course, fashion featured heavily.

highlights - i turned 50 and took my clothes off down by the yarra on my birthday eve at the suggestion of mr x. they say that timing is everything and the backdrop was to die for, unlike my white bridget jones undies, but mr x was instrumental in making my birthday week a great part of my life story so i stripped down. i guess that's what spontaneity is about, being in the moment regardless and that white underwear was what it was.

i also had quite a bit of hot sex (most of it with mr x) and went on a journey of sexploration. but in order to do that, i needed to challenge a part of my moral makeup that i had been guided by for most part of my life and i did it willingly without guilt or inhibitions, and that was very empowering. yep, i bonked a 27 year old - bet you weren't expecting to read that mum, but i'm not ageist and i'm gonna make choices depending on how i feel, not on what others think. and it became apparent to me, that i am a seriously hot mumma - only took how many years? but i am still scratching my head, with my extended middle finger as to why some men of various ages, think it's okay to engage with woman with such demeaning and totally inappropriate greetings and behaviours. Fella's it isn't and never will be a turn on to get a pick of your sad little peen or to be just sexually objectified. eeewww

i know that probably seems kinda weird for a woman standing in her underwear on the banks of the yarra to be talking about sexual objectification, but i did that for liberation.

i also learnt to salsa dance. this was a total blast and it will continue this year, with the aim of doing it as a more social thing.  it's quite daunting to put all those lessons into practice with strangers who will hopefully be understanding if i mix up my inside and outside turn, confuse my hammerlocks with my copas....but i'll keep plugging on regardless.

my use of time was also a constant thought in my mind and i was reminded by my friend Elena, that time is the only thing i will never get more of, so i have plastered a few giant post its around my place to remind me every time i walk past or look up from my technology that i should use my time more wisely.  a giant post it is also a great way to get stuff out of your head that is bothering you.  put it on the wall and let it just do its thing and make its way to your subconscious where it become second nature.

i picked up my paintbrush - a very good use of time.  so therapeutic and there will be more of that happening.

i got divorce papers from the man whose life i apparently ruined, when i chose not to be a verbal and emotional punching bag any more and the man who could never love or live happily again, but is getting married to a woman he met on tinder 5 weeks after we officially parted ways... we agreed to discuss divorce if it every became relevant - guess it became relevant. A joint application is only a joint application if the other party knows about it....just sayin! And i finally had the courage to tell that man to GO FUCK HIMSELF...i wanted to say that for so so long, cause being guilted, even after all this time is just not on. passive-aggressive behaviour is not the new black. (I think i probably have a whole other blog post about living in the shadow of overbearing men - save that for another day). but good luck to him for maybe finding the one who will make those poor behaviors become redundant. 

i drove the great ocean road in my convertible - that was a blast and have since gone on to sell my car.  it was serving me no purpose as i can ride my pushie, walk or catch the tram across the road which takes me to my 2 favourite places - doc pizza and tiamo italian restaurant. #winning 

i discovered that i really liked being on the back of a harley. vroom vroom. my convertible was great, and i think i might need to invest in a scooter so i can have my own vroom vroom.

my beautiful son outed himself as a codeine addict and reached out for help.  he's now under my caring watchful wing taking all steps possible to recover by relocating here for a while as he gets back on his feet. kudos to him for taking the hardest step, cause it's not a quick fix and not something i am an expert in managing, but we will take one step at a time.  i told him that i can't be on the playing field with him, but will be there cheering him on from the sidelines, as he takes this part of his life journey.

i re-read this book again (only about the 4th time) but it drives me to be mindful about how i choose to live my life - either living in a pit having pity parties, or embracing and making the most of every moment and challenge that i encounter. 

oh and my sewing machine broke down #sadface. that was a bitch! but it's back and ready to stitch up some goody good janijans designs again. 

goodbye 2016. hello 2017.

so as i headed into 2017, i was thinking about the year ahead and some of the things i want to achieve.  i haven't made a TO DO list or any resolutions - only to be more awesome maybe, but rather a TO BE list and that's where the tantra comes in.  i want to practice more conscious living and hopefully loving...so tantra is my mantra. i don't want to just DO, i want to BE and i want to continue to become an even better version of myself.

i want to BE a better human - for me and those around me
i want to be a better salsa dancer
i want to be out of my comfort zone
i want to be open to all opportunities

and "TO BE" requires conscious living in relation to thoughts and actions. sure i can switch on the autopilot but i don't want that to be what gets me to my destination. i want to take charge.

But there are a few things on my TO DO list and most relate to human connection. i want to connect with more people and as i have reflected on this late last year, a post popped up in my facebook feed from humans of new york.  it was about a woman who moved to a new city and thought that everything would just happen, just because she was in that new space that it would all come together. (no no no no no - it doesn't work that way).....she said that "relationships don't just happen because i exist" and i had that moment of wow, i want to dig deeper and work harder to consciously connect with others.  i need to reach out and make more effort in order for this part of my life to fill.  It doesn't come naturally to me to talk to strangers, but i'm gonna fake it till i make it.

I'm going to continue to support my son with his addiction recovery and it seems timely to finish off my project of not sweating the small stuff - dang - there's not that many chapters to go and it's gonna help ground me a bit.  i've never had to assist someone with addiction before, so it's paramount that i take care of me, so i can be on my A game. Maybe focussing on this will help, as it did when i was going through major life change previously.

and what's this.....a ukulele.  yes i am going to learn to play this gorgeous blue instrument and hope to find space for an electric piano. playing piano was one of the first things in my life that i really new i wanted to do even before i ever had a piano and dang i miss it.

so, here's a few other things on my list
- talk to at least 3 strangers every day
- smile at more people - this is a genuine connection that may make a difference to somebody's day
- start writing again - tick!
- be fearless
- say yes to almost everything
- continue to play by my own rules
- be more empowered and pave the way for those who want to get out of their comfort zone
- don't accept less then what i deserve as a woman and a human
- learn to network
- help bring others together - yes, i have a plan.  at work i am called the glue.  i didn't give myself that name, but seems i have an ability make things happen and keep people connected.  i want to explore this more.
- to let the universe do what it does best and be open to it.
- and to find love that flows freely and joyously.  as humans it's our evolution to be loved and give love and the time is now right for me to give what's in my heart and mind to someone who wants to have this ball of joy and fun in their life.

yep, there's a lot of me me me here, but this is my journey and as that book why wait to be great says, we write a life story that can be filled with so many experiences, both amazing and difficult and i want my story to be amazing even when i have to navigate through the rough parts.

So, i pose the question, how do you intend to fill the chapters of your life story. hopefully there is something here that may resonate or inspire you to look at your world differently and to reach beyond your comfort zone and create an amazing story going forward.  go for it.!

the sunday session 12 - hello stranger

right, i am going straight into business. fucken hell - 8 great outfits, one to debrief and a story. where do i start.

fave outfit of the week -- was it the top i wore twice? no. was it the chance to wear a puffer? no - that means goodbye to the warm weather. was it the shorty short kaftan? sorry for flashing, but no. vintage dress? warm and on par with the shiny flowery pink number, but i am drawn to the 1980's white blouse and the jeans.  it's just soooooo not me in 2016, but i loved the regalness of it.  it was a vintage find just sitting on the hanger waiting for some unsuspecting nearly 50 year old woman to walk by and appreciate its beauty knowing that it had made an appearance in a fashion lovers paradise last century but was still looking hot.

i teamed it with some boyfriend jeans from target which i rolled up and my men's shoes sans socks along with vintage mis matching pearl clip on earrings. it felt good, it looked good and it was my winning look of the week. now fashion is out of the way, it's time for a story...

when i moved to melbourne one of my friends who reads my blog said that i could be just like Carrie from Sex and the City and share my single city adventures.   Well, i have had a couple - really 2 but none that involve the lessons of love that Carrie would share.  And when i did write a story about being single in my new city, it was met with the broken hearted record that i had to listen to for so many months.  that record soon changed when a tinder match opened a door for the record player to change tracks - rather quickly and move on.  each to their own.

what i am so grateful for, is that i have had time to reflect, grow, grieve, release, consider, reconnect with me (the woman who was suffocating) and just enjoy my new life being me, while finding my rhythm without needing someone by my side to do it.  it's been very liberating and as each day goes on, i just feel more confident, more at ease and more free.  the free is delicious. it's like ordering your favourite anything with a side of free. you want it, you got it.... fucking enjoy it.

i know there was the whole fortune teller thing and that was awkward cause she said i had to search out love and i know there's been the past online dating horrors and it doesn't take long to get up to speed in the whole dating lingo - between the catfish and the fuckboys, it's like speaking a second language.

i discovered a number of instagram accounts that pave the way for women to have their voice when they have the audacity to say no or reject a man online.  i've been on the receiving end of this. oh god you are so gorgeous.....thanks, but i am really not interested in engaging further.......well fuck off fat bitch....if you ain't feeling it then it should be ok.  this is the reality for women in a world where men are more physically overpowering in the flesh and not okay and with virtual rejection. sorry ego. this at least gives us a voice of solidarity. this is not about power, it's about being able to say no, without retribution, because you have said no.  it's okay to say no. and it's brilliant to be able to voice the no on sites such as tinder nightmares and one of my favourites bye felipe, who also have a podcast.  i started listening and i've started learning more about the online dating world. it's the new reality, it's a thing, it's always going to be a thing. i'm not sure if it's always a great thing cause it's become transactional. i for one don't care for short term deposits and transactions and i am sure there are going to be men out there like me who feel the same. well i hope so. this is the future of any person finding themself with a busy life, working hard and looking for a companion. it's an online mine field.

i went out on sunday with a stranger.  yes a bonafide stranger. it was a him, it was his idea and i felt comfortable enough to say yes. we met online, shared some messages (after a bumpy start) but i actually felt okay about it.  there was grilling of course - cause there are some lines that the sisterhood just doesn't cross and there was a natural flowing engagement that i enjoyed.

of course, there has to be that moment when you decide to meet for realsies and ladies, do it sooner rather than later - rip that fucking band-off and let nature takes its course.

i did it and it don't regret it for one minute.

i agreed to pick him up (the stranger) and he agreed to take my ootd photo on sunday. i would normally never do such a thing, but my gut feeling was totally okay about it (what would my mother say).  today was only ever going to be coffee and conversation (for me anyway)

we drove to an out of the way location and he got to choose the backdrop.  i''d never seen this wall, but this was my kind of backdrop.  i am sure the decision was not about the act, but about the creative. i went with it.  he got to be the photographer, i got too be the model. win win.

after this, it was coffee and conversation and it flowed - i had awkward nervous - cause i don't ever do this....we ordered the same brekky - coffee and croissant, we both shared stories - creative, adventure, family, food.

we didn't end it there, we went to the gallery and we saw the warhol exhibition.  we took silly photos, we talked, we had fun - it was fun.  i like fun - he liked fun. it was fun fun

 

 we  shared a plate of food and we said goodbye.

this was just what the doctor ordered. i was out of my comfort zone, he got to be janergized (who doesn't love that).  i got to enjoy something that i have never experienced before and for me it was great.  i felt comfortable letting the guard down to speak and i hope he feels comfortable knowing that not all women are going to turn up on the doorstep after one meeting declaring undying love. how creepy is that....

so i guess this was a sex and the city moment - i wasn't being samantha, charlotte, miranda or carrie, i was just being me, i wasn't overthinking, i had no expectations, i was doing what i wanted to do, being in the now and embracing or declining whatever was to come.  that meant really stepping out of my comfort zone.

and with this i thank him for opening up a side of me that i never knew existed and a confidence i never knew i had. thank you. it was a yesman moment. #yesman