Saturday 14 November 2015

how hard can it be?

date night - or should i say fright night

i am nothing if not honest about sharing my life journey and i have to say the only way i could get a date is if one fell off the tree and landed on my head....

i consider myself
1. attractive
2. funny
3 smart
4 i have no hangups or baggage
5 and i dress and smell nice
6 oh, and i could pay for the date if i wanted to

all good qualities that should make me an ideal candidate for someone to want to spend time getting to know, or even want to have a cheeky snog with.

but no, it would appear not. i have probably only had about 2 dates in my whole life - you know the ones where someone says ......would you like to go out fact, i don't even think it's 2.

but i did go on numerous dates with my ex husband who i met on the internet in 2004.  those were very different internet dating times i can assure you, because it wasn't really as big and as ugly as it appears to be now and as a single woman (or fresh meat as i would call newly single women i knew) it is time to explore the world of dating - at nearly 50.  YIKES......

as i had to continue living with my ex-husband up until july this year, after separating last november, there wasn't really any place for exploring new relationships in that environment, especially as the wind of change started blowing through and blew me to the other end of the country, but earlier this year, while we were still in the strange living arrangement, i did tell him that i was ready to start dating and of course that wasn't met so well - but at least i was open and honest about it, afterall, i knew there was no turning back.

the reality is, that i never really did anything about it (apart from setting up a profile online and fielding off numerous interesting suitors - oh do i have some stories to share).

the reason for this was that i felt so guilty for leaving him (guilt which has now been dealt with) and guilt that should never have been there in the first place.  you see after all the telling me how his life was miserable and he feels there was future for him, and i broke his heart etc etc etc, i just got bogged down in this guilt in order to not make him feel worse, so the joy of the things that were unfolding were still overshadowed - STUPID

because you know what happened?  well the man who wouldn't go the extra mile for me to work on making our future better, and was so heartbroken and ensured i knew exactly how heartbroken, has been able to go 6 inches for someone he barely met just 2 months after our very shared living arrangements came to an end.  and the reason i share this, is because you should never spend your life waiting, or thinking that you need to protect another person's feelings ahead of your own, in some cases.  i spent too long doing that. even before leaving the marriage i was weighed down with the fear of not having the courage to stand up and actually do what needed to be done because of what may come and when i finally did it, it felt so good, to say the words that i had rehearsed in my mind so many times.

i like to think that people's actions match their words and this time when it became apparent that they didn't it was hurtful (even though i ended it) it was surprising and it left me feeling that there was no need for me to be feeling bad then, or now, or AT ALL about making this life change and the fallout that followed it.

i had my 3rd session at the EAP this week.  wow that has been so good, just being able to go and share what i was feeling and then go away and absorb it all, make sense of it all and move on (positive self talk is brilliant).  so at this session, when it became clear i got nothing further to deal with, she asked me what i now felt guilty about......NOTHING i said - i have no reason to feel guilty about anything - why the fuck did i feel bad about choosing my own life.   i left with my stomach turning from good anxiety - there were butterflies because of the excitement of what is ahead of me.

i like to think of myself as a woman of action and with that let's open the door to the next adventure's time to date.  it's time to become a visible woman who's nearly 50 and still up for a bit of flirting and fun and i am going to start by letting the universe know that i am single and i am emotionally available.  how good is that!
these are real dating profile pics apparently - and that's how to look like you are ready for a long term loving future with mister right now, don't you think?

as for me, well i am not really sure what to do next, but i know it won't involve wearing a mermaid outfit, sitting in a bubble bath, eating a banana suggestively and drinking a glass of wine, while wearing rubber gloves, cause i think that would really turn some people on....and i am not sure that they would be my people.

but the woman of action will start by doing something more than she has done previously, that's for sure. and item number 1 will be to ensure that she checks for lippy on her teeth, cause i am not sure how that rates on the attractiveness scale of possible connections.

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