Sunday, 18 October 2015

closure time

i am ending my week with closure, rather than my normal fashion post (that will come tomorrow) but i figured this was far more important.

so i've never really shared too much about my marriage ending, but sadly, i have held on to so much belief that i was the person in the wrong, that i was the person who always made someone else mad, that i was the person who was responsible for behaving the way they did and when i chose to end the relationship, i have had to weather the guilt of leaving, the guilt of moving away, the guilt of not trying hard enough and the guilt of feeling like i have left someone with no future. it's been a lot to navigate through - all while trying to reach for my future life.

but if someone offers no guarantee that they can change, or even attempt to do so, then what do you do?  keep living in a constant state of unhappiness?  people do this for many years, but i chose to break the cycle and deal with the fallout and i have to live my life knowing that the person i loved wasn't prepared to pick up the phone, or find a book, or talk to a friend about how to make change, all while shoveling the guilt of me leaving.

well after spending nearly 12 months feeling like i am responsible for breaking someone's heart, while trying to move on with my own life, the opportunity came to make a big change and step into the future.  time appears to have healed wounds for some and that's a good thing, because we all deserve to be happy and live a fulfilled life and for me that unexpected change heralded the call to move forward.

and with that came a flood of tears and a call to the EAP to go talk it out.  i shared my story and what i was feeling and why....and i was asked what i was going to do to break free from the past and move forward.  i was going to let go of the feelings that i shouldn't be responsible for - the guilt, the emotional baggage that came with making my decision and a decision that wasn't enough for the other person to think that a call of action may have been in order.

i'm not sure what people used to do in the olden days (the day's before facebook and instagram and mobile phones and texting) but i am pretty sure that it was okay to want to have your own life after a breakup and to be free from what was the past and this is with no malice, but a realistic approach to living my life. and with that i have ripped of the band-aid and set some boundaries that work for me....i think we managed to successfully transition out of our difficult living arrangement respectfully, but i am now okay with keeping my life just that - my life.

so when i was asked what i would do, i had no idea.  it just happened that friend was in town and they suggested i get a balloon and let it go.....what a great idea. there was a symbology that resonated with me and i made it happen.
on saturday morning, i went and had a coffee and thought about this and as i started to jot down a few things i was feeling it just flowed - all the memories, the thoughts, the guilt and the beliefs just came out. wow - that shit needed to go.
my son was in town this weekend and he also decided to take the opportunity to get things out of his head and let them float away.  we spent some time writing on our balloons and we were off.
we headed to the bay (which was very fucking cold and windy by the way) and let our shit go.....
this was with no malice or resentment, but with well wishes and taking a moment in time to acknowledge, accept and move forward.
onward......

loving someone and knowing that they weren't prepared to make a change is no different than being loved and not understanding why you would want change to happen.  it's hurtful for both parties, but it's okay to want to move forward with your life and leave some of the past behind.

i am going forth with love and kindness, cause that's who i am. i hope that is enough for life to go on as it should,.  ripping the band aid off hurt like hell, but when you do that, you can see what's underneath and decide whether it needs another form of treatment to heal or whether it's healed enough for nature to just take care of the rest.

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