Monday, 4 December 2017

DSTSS - the bermuda triangle

97. Mind your own business
I'm no psychologist right, but I figure that over the past couple of years, i could have been on my way to a degree with all the self-help I have dished out. I could have been like that new york kid who dishes out emotional advice on the subway. What I love about this story is that it seems the advice he was giving reinforced what most people thought was right from their gut feeling anyway. He wasn't telling people how or what they should be doing, he was letting people come to him when they had a problem. He was just being available when needed not trying to save everyone who he thought may need help.
Although I have been dishing out information, it's been through a way that people can take or leave anything that i have shared. It's not my place to butt into everyone's life and offer a bandaid or quick fix for things going on in other people's lives.  But it is my place to try and navigate my life on my own terms and as long as I am not hurting anyone's feeling or harming in any other way, then it's okay.

So with all of the information I have been dishing out to myself, I think one of the best things I have ever learnt was having the ability to let people just be. Let them go on their journey, live their life without interfering, don't tell people what to do or how to do stuff, but rather focus on what I am doing and how I am living my life. It's amazing how much effort goes in to controlling what you expect someone else to do or be or think and often the person at the end of your good intentions is oblivious or becomes annoyed that they can't just get on with life without having to feel constantly like they aren't in charge. I have found that it's much easier to be available to people when they genuinely want and need your help. It saves a lot of grief and gives you time to do better stuff - like living life!

This was really reinforced to me when my son had his first bout of depression around 19 years of age.  I so badly wanted to fix everything and protect him from harm and the advice I got was that he is on his own journey and I have no control over what was happening and any potential outcomes.  It really sunk in. And in that moment, I let go and began to focus on what I could do for me, to make things easier and better for me. It was amazing how when I focussed on what was important to me, I could be in a better position to help him. (you know that cliche of putting your own oxygen mask on first? well it's true). It didn't mean that I didn't care, it just meant that I could keep moving forward and living my life without feeling like I would ever be in the bermuda triangle of being a rescuer - while i tried to help, a victim, while i felt like i was sacrificing to help and the hostile enemy - who wouldn't mind their own business. I didn't want me or him to go down with that delicate ship.
And that great learning has definitely enabled me to feel so much more inner peace and focus on what really matters, living my life, not someone elses.  I will throw in a common sense disclaimer, that if there's a genuine concern about something you think might be a bit out of the norm, then just ask if you can help. 

Note to self:  Butt out, unless you have been invited to butt in

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