I used to spend a lot of time wondering about what on earth I had to offer the world and the people I encountered along the way. My small talk was never very big. What had I accomplished that would satisfy my ego and make me look important and likeable - to fit in. These are normal life feelings! Sounds crazy hey, but it's true. I guess that somehow tied in with my lack of confidence and finding my place and the path I needed to travel in order to find my terra firma - that place where my spirit level of life found its balance and it didn't matter what terrain I was navigating, it always found its way back to level and my footing was solid. As I went on that journey I found that I, ME, JAN, JANIJANS was enough. I had very little materially to offer, but I had me and as I reflected on my accomplishments I was able to define me as the beautiful woman I have become.
I overcame fear of water to become a great competitive swimmer, I play piano, I'm a great cook, I speak a second language well enough to get me lost and get me found. I can drive a manual and an automatic and can reverse park up a hill without the handbrake in a manual, I have contorted my body with yoga, done the splits, learnt to run and to salsa dance, can engage in small talk, been on TV, in the newspaper, I can sew clothes and make buttonholes by hand and can put in a god damn zipper if I absolutely have to. I've created clothing for international fashion shows, I've had a fancy car, a house, been on great holidays. I've held peoples hands when they were dying, cared for people when they have been critically ill, I've helped someone out of a car accident, I have raised a caring kind human, Have overcome debilitating anxiety and panic attacks through natural methods, I've given to others when I have not had enough for myself, I brushed my mothers teeth when she broke her arm, I've been there through people's highs and lows and I've been selfless and done what was kind, even though it hurt or impacted on me in other ways.
There's a few things on the tip of my life's iceberg, but which are the ones that matter the most. Can I be defined by the human elements, or the materialistic ones? Can I be defined by the ones that showcase my talents or what I have, or the ones that showcase I care?
My human spirit level took a battering when I lost pretty much everything that I had invested financially and emotionally in. I have recovered emotionally, but I have to be realistic and acknowledge that short of winning lotto, or finding a suitcase full of money abandoned in an op shop, that financially I will probably never recover. We forget that at any moment the ground can shift and we have to find a new footing and readjust as required.
Understanding that my internal rather than external accomplishments are what matters has taken me on a path of peace and happiness. Being genuine, kind, calm, resilient, fearless, courageous, giving and loving are the accomplishments I want to be remembered for. I understand that no material accomplishments or talents will ever make up for me being a great human and with that I live simply, humbly and happily. It's my very realistic normal and I am okay with that.
Along my journey, I have redefined my accomplishments and their importance in order to have my spirit level of life keep calm, carry on and keep me becoming a better version of me.
Sometimes we are forced to look inward and and redefine our moments through events, but what about having the courage to redefine them right now as an opportunity to grow and give more of your heart out to the world.
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