Monday 28 March 2016

the sunday session 13 - 50/50

mirror mirror on the wall - which was my favourite outfit of all?
this week saw my usual burst of colour and a burst of cooler weather, which got me thinking - shit winter is coming and i'm not going to be prepared.  that's okay, cause i am not really a planner, but i plan to not get caught in a burst of freezing cold weather with a side of windchill and potential accompanying rain.  and so opens the dilemma of the coat.  should it be long or short, puffer or non puffer, circumcised or not (hood joke).....too much to think about and then my sister throws me a curve ball - you might need two - one that is waterproof.  For fucks sake, that tipped me over the edge.

i arrived in melbourne at the end of july and it was freezing and there was no way i was prepared but i was so busy getting myself settled and sorted, that i made do with what i had worn in the mild brissy winters.  it worked but i don't think it's going to work this year.

anyway, while i ponder what to do, i might just go straight to my fave look of the week - i think a giddy up is in order as it was my country and western look that did it for me this week.

the jeans from Big W, men's shirt from coles that i cut the sleeves out of, the western boots from wrangler DFO in brissy - i have never seen so many western boots as i have here in melbourne - i'd love to know why they are everywhere - and yet i never see people wearing them, and to top off the look i added some flowers in my hair - just because i could.  this outfit was pure balance (in my eyes anyway), from the colour combo, the styling, the proportions and the backdrop. i was winning, winning winning, so much so that a friend said i would fit right in at Tamworth. never gonna happen.

I did also decide to do a better version of the dick pic that women are getting up in arms about.
these rocks outside eureka tower are so funny that each time i walk past i have that "WTF" moment, finally a dick pic that doesn't make you want to vomit, but makes you want to gut laugh.  seriously, it should be illegal for people to send that shit. props to all the ladies who are taking a stand against such stuff and for speaking up and challenging bad behaviour.

well it's been a super busy weekend and one where i had a rather unexpected surfacing of some stuff - i call it the emotional hangover i had to have in order to continue on my life journey.

one of the things i really pride myself on, is my genuine care for other people and i have been grateful to have mentors and coaches who have helped pave the way for me to continue growing at becoming a better human.  words are one thing but the actions behind them are another.  for example, if you have angry words and back them up with angry actions, it's like a tinder match - you found a match they match, they have things in common and it's an expected outcome. and what if your words are positive and you back them up with actions that don't match - then there's a problem. people can say all kinds of fancy shit, but if they back it up with actions that doesn't match what is coming out of the mouth, then it's kind of insincere and extremely hypcritical to condemn actions of others.

i have found myself yesterday in a shitty headspace due to something that triggered me to once again question the motivation of people's behaviour. i am now having the courage to face it and release all of this stuff, stuff that has been stuck inside me due to fear of repercussion. i know the best way forward is for me to shake it off and writing about it is an incredible way to clear the head. i don't even care if nobody reads it, this clears my hangover.

it's never nice to be on the receiving end of someone else's anger and by anger, i mean anger that puts fear down your spine, makes you feel sick to your stomach for days on end, anger that leaves you feeling scared to speak up because it makes more anger, anger that leaves you wanting to run, but with no place to go, anger that leaves you feeling humiliated, shamed and ridiculed, that kind of anger. anger that you keep accepting and becomes trance like and you are helpless to do anything about it apart from being on the receiving end and pleading for change, anger that eventually brings you the courage to walk away bringing shock and surprise to those around you and anger that just got pushed upon me for years. it's at the surface now giving an opportunity to free it and move on knowing that it will feel great.  i couldn't even muster an easter egg yesterday - for realsies - and i fucking love easter eggs, that's how bad this hangover was, but today is a new day.

yesterday i felt angry - it's a sensation that makes me feel really uncomfortable - and it's never an emotion that i associate myself with - as i always like to find a work around - rather than getting angry - it doesn't serve a purpose for me, it never has, it never will, but i don't know how else to describe it. but i felt angry that i put up with stuff far longer than i should ever have done, while taking responsibility for and excusing someones else's behaviour out of total fear. i felt angry that my spirit got squashed along the way and i felt angry for finding myself in that position in the first place - regardless of what things may have looked like on the outside.

accept, breathe, release, send yourself love and move forward.  this shit obviously needed to come out and i have no fear in releasing it like a thousand fucking doves a la the style of a salim mehajer wedding - it will just enable me to fly higher and stronger and enable me to fill that now calm and free space with bigger and better things.

my dreams last night were extremely negative and frightening and i am pretty sure that was the gateway to saying goodbye to this crap - well, i hope so.
i chanced upon this postcard today and i have written before about walking in other people's shoes and knowing their story before you make judgement but when your own story involves aspects that eventually affect your inner peace, then you need to listen.

finding courage takes courage - it might be something that takes a while to appear on your life timeline, but when it does, know that it was the right time. i can only ever be in control of my own journey, and my 50% of any encounter i have and i want to go forward knowing that people i cross paths with will always feel safe, loved and cared for in a way that makes them feel okay, even if they aren't giving the same in their 50%, but you can only do and be so much.

so the past 48 hours have been a learning for me and a great opportunity to explore and share my journey, as fucked as it seems, i remain true to my thoughtful beliefs and values and what i contribute to my 50%. i am in no way perfect but yesterday my sister called me an enlightened being, ironically, these were almost the same words that were thrown at me when i dared voice my desire to want better than what i was getting and if i am an enlightened being, it's because i have worked really hard to ensure that i give 100% to my 50%.

this has been a hard, long but necessary post and one that i hope encourages anyone who reads it to the end to want better for you and those you love.

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