Monday 14 December 2015

DSTSS - the defrag

It's time for another 10 block check in.  So happy to be having the time and space to work on this again and hopefully with some consistency and a finish line ahead - only 30 chapters to go.  easy.

At the last check in i wrote about how quickly things had happened in my life that led me to where i am right now - making a new life at the other end of the country.

I think the biggest thing for me has been letting go of many of the feelings and thoughts that had plagued me following the choice to end my marriage. On the surface things were all good (don't worry i am so happy with my choice), but underneath, there was a kind of confusion that came with the memories of having a long term partner and a familiar life and then finding the loneliness of being on my own in an unfamiliar life.  Loneliness can be a bitch, and i have had my fair share over the past few months, but for me, recognising it helped me so much to move beyond it and empower me to step out of my comfort zone and do something about it.

As my brain does, it manages to find a way to analyse what is going on and then find a way to look at it objectively and fix it and here's what i did.  it was hard at first, but in order to move further forward, i had determine whether i was lonely or whether i had made the wrong choice.....and not confuse the two.

Every time i had a recurring thought of whether i made the right decision, (trying not to get it confused with loneliness) i would think of the biggest reason as to why i did what i did. i then wrote it on a giant post it and stuck it on the wall and every time from then on, when i found myself wondering, i would read that and i replaced the confusion with the reality.  it really helped. it was in my face and very clear and i even read it when i walk past - just because.
it was also suggested that i write in a journal - ah bah humbug, isn't this a journal of sorts? and i thought well why not, what have i got to lose, so i did, and i started at the back of the book. i am keeping the front for good stuff.

i wrote all the reasons why i made the decision i did (a reminder)
i wrote all the things that i deserve in my life (a reminder)
i wrote what i was feeling and and accepted and acknowledged them and let them go
i reminded myself of the reality and acknowledged that it was okay to feel what i was feeling
i wrote lots of stuff and none of it i have gone back to look at surprisingly, because it's out of my head and with it being gone, paves the way for the new.
every time i had a thought of regret, i would note it down.

i am sure i am not the only one who has had the little voice of doubt in the back of their head, but thankfully, i found a way to get rid of it and recognise that i will not let any past thoughts or memories take over the great things i have ahead of me.

our brain is the original computer and what happens to a PC when it doesn't get a defrag?
Note to self: our thoughts and memories can continue to play in our head like a broken record, but at what cost?  bring life back to now and acknowledge, accept and move forward. i've done a major defrag and i can't image what could possibly come in the next 10 chapter check in, but i reckon it will be about the future, not the past. how good does that sound...

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