Saturday, 12 April 2014

DSTSS - Kicking the bucket

21.  Imagine yourself at your own funeral

Well, doesn't this just put a downer on my blog - me, at my own funeral.  This straight away causes me some angst, cause what the hell am i going to wear?

One of the weird things about having had severe panic attacks and anxiety - and i remind myself of what was, not what is, is that one of their super side effects is a feeling that you are going to die when they happen.  How fucked is that, to have this overwhelming feeling that life is about to end - in the movie theater, shopping centre, a concert, at work or in the safety of my own home.  Obviously that hasn't happened, but the feeling of facing death has been with me since i had my first panic attack as a teenager.

So, the reality here is that yes, my life will come to an end at some point but it won't be from having a panic attack, and the connection to this chapter, is that if i were to imagine myself at my own funeral how would it be. Again, what am i going to wear and i need to make sure i have shoes that don't hurt my feet.  Perhaps merrells would be best!

Okay, i better start taking this somewhat seriously i suppose...

This chapter is yet another reminder to live your life in the best way possible and to remind yourself of what's important in life.  Is it focussing on small things and making them bigger then they need to be, or is it living your life and just paying little attention to the bumps that happen along the way.  I have used a similar strategy in the past to help me understand what is important in life and mine was to think about how i want to be remembered and i know exactly how it is.

I want to be remembered as being a person who was happy, caring, kind, loving, accepting, really fucking funny, didn't take life too seriously, and one who didn't sweat the small stuff.  I was guided by a person who had made it his life's work to help people like me going through major life events, decide if i wanted to hold on to small stuff and make it big and let it hold my life to ransom, or look at situations big or small and decide how much of my precious energy was needed to help deal with them. Choosing the latter gave me the freedom i needed to live a life that no matter what happened, i could choose how i reacted to any event and make a decision as to how it would affect the rest of my day, month, year or life.  I learnt to let stuff go.  I had to let stuff go, in order to be a better person.

I never want to hear anyone at my funeral say - thank god that bitch is dead, she was miserable and was uptight about everything and so pleased i don't have to put up with that any more.  Sadly, that's a reality with some people in life, and i don't want to be one of them.

If I was to sit and decide right now about all the important stuff in my life - and by stuff, i mean the people i love and the things that i enjoy, i would have a pretty big list. And why not want to make every moment in my life be positive and fulfilling no matter what was happening to me, or around me.
i have put this picture here of dutton park cemetery to remind me about the importance of my footprint in the world. I don't have a plot there, cause it must be rather costly to reside by the river, but when my lovely nana was alive, we drove past this cemetery one day and she said she would like to go for a walk through.  WHAT THE FUCK, WHO DOES THAT? Well apparently, a few people do (1 x cyclist and 1 x jogger today, when i stopped to take the pic) and my nana.  It was important to her, so I parked the car, we got out and we walked through.  It made her happy - even at the very later part of her life.  Maybe she was seeing what was available for rent, or maybe she was reflecting on her life and the time she had left. Our time on this planet is not that long and i can't remind myself enough of how important it is to live it!

Note to self:  Make everyday count!

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