I really like the idea of just going for a "catch-up" as my friend Elena calls it. one hour - a catchup - the time it takes to have a productive meeting and decide what outcomes you need to deliver - if any. do you need to schedule another meeting to resolve the issue, or in my case do you need some action items in order to move forward.
So I need some action items and it involves realising what it is i want. And again, i call on my friend Elena, who doesn't want to find herself in another 10 years unable to explore the great things that there is to explore, because you would never want a zimmer frame to get in the way. I need to see what's out there. i had a child at 19, married young, divorced young, felt unbelievable pain and zero self confidence till i reached my 30's and even then i didn't skyrocket but i started to skyrocket later in life (never was one for convention) and now in my late 40's i want to challenge every part of me and explore things i never did before, because of my fears. i want to enjoy the company of the opposite sex and this isn't about having sex (ooops i said the sexy word or about having to feel that my life is incomplete without a significant other), but about having fun, and flirting and growing and enjoying life with someone of the opposite gender.
so over the weekend, i decided to dig a little deeper into my soul cause i really do think i must be giving off/given off the wrong energy to men cause honestly, i cannot seem to engage men in any way - apart from sleazy online mentions and my barista when he looks at me with a raised eyebrow when i ask for something different than a 3/4 soy latte. maybe i need to swap the janergy to manergy and see if that makes a difference. but i don't want to end up like the reverse Caitlyn Jenner, cause that's not the aim of the game.
so, i'm gonna open it up right here, right now. i have always had a fear of people not liking me - especially MEN (i have my reasons, but it's time to move on) How Fucking Stupid Is That - the most likable person on the planet and when i shared this with my friend Elena (who i have referenced plenty of times here), she had the light bulb moment and then i had the light bulb moment and i went right, better do something about that then...
the best way to face a fear is to tackle it head on. so i got a piece of paper and exorcised some fears from my subconscious. this is so teenage, but after being advised by my EAP'er last year to write shit down, i did it. NOTE: if you can get past the airy fairy and put that stuff that is chasing its tail around in your head down on paper, two things can happen.
1. you look at the problem objectively - thus seeing it for what it is - a blip on the life radar
2. you move it to the external drive (the paper) where it then frees up the space in your mind for other stuff, such as creating space to face your fears.
once they were on paper - i burned those mother fuckers.
so with that, i am challenging myself to be open to all possibilities and the beauty is that i am in the driver's seat. i can switch it up a gear, hit the brakes, pull over to the side and tell the passenger to get out any time and that is totally cool. i am making all the road rules and if the sat nav doesn't take me to the destination, then that's fine i may have seen some great landscape on the way and i can always re-route.
i love a light bulb moment, cause not only does it create a spark that gives you an Adrenalin burst, but it also lights the way to see what lies ahead and for me that's going to be working my janergy as i continue to dig deeper into my soul and uncover the many layers that this life has to offer me.
challenge yourself - it's amazing how it paves the way from scary unknown to the "oh my god, i am so glad i did".
stay tuned.
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