DSTSS - what if.....

As i look back over the past few weeks, i really did think i was just going through some moments that would easily be sorted - hence my revisiting past learning's and beginning my new project, but i have really had some downs and downs - what i thought were minor irritations are actually much more than that.  I am finding that i really need to put perspective on what is happening in order to keep afloat. If i don't, i will become bogged down and lose sight of what it is i need to do to keep working towards regaining peace and happiness.  In fact right now, all i am feeling is sadness and well, the opposite of peace.

I'm not going into all the gory details, but the stuff going on in my personal life is make or break stuff. Stuff that has the potential and probably has done irreparable damage to the relationships i have with the people closest to me, stuff that requires a lot of effort to try and remain calm so i don't add to the problem, stuff that requires some honest and difficult conversations and stuff i just can't seem to understand how it has escalated to where it is.

I know we all have our ways of dealing with stuff, but for some reason, no matter how big the problem is, i would prefer to work it out in a calm way.  When our egos and emotions get added to the mix, it just makes everything go to shit - quickly. What is important for me is to stop and think about what i might contribute to the problem if i react a certain way. I am happy to have my say, but i can probably count on one hand the amount of times i have got really angry. In fact, I probably have more chance of winning lotto, then ever getting really angry about anything.  That doesn't mean i don't get annoyed about things - cause i do, but it's how i choose to react to those situations that can make the difference.

A lovely friend of mine at work said that she would rather never say things she regretted, and would rather not have to say sorry to people for saying things she regretted.  I couldn't have said it better myself.

What to do now.... given that turmoil is afoot.

i am reminded of a piece of advice i got many many years ago when i went to a session at the relaxation centre - you can't control what you think, but you can control what you say.

It's true - i have babble going through my head all the time, some of that babble comes out of my mouth, when i am engaging in nonsense talk, BUT and I can say BUT (cause i have a big one) every word that comes out of my mouth, i can choose to say or not say and i can choose how i say it.  This a really hard thing to do, cause my foot was always in my mouth, saying things i shouldn't have said. 

I think this piece of advice was a game changer for me.  It helped me in so many ways - it helped me determine if what i was going to add to a situation was positive or negative, helpful or hurting, loving or nasty and i found that when i began to think about what and how i spoke, it made a big difference. I felt better about me and about my relationships with others.  Not everyone has this way of thinking, but it worked for me.

My friend who chooses to not say things she regrets also handed me a book.  There is only 2 times in life - now and too late!  It was an easy read and it has given me the slap in the face i needed to go forward.

That slap - plus this one......This morning when i left for work my mum was still asleep.  It was after 7.30 and that was very unlike her.  My first thought was - fuck, what if something has happened to her.  Would i want to live my life knowing that the last interaction we had was not a positive or happy one.  No, it's not.  That would not bring me peace and would be a regret i could never change.

Unfortunately what's happened has happened and i can't change any of it, but i can make sure that i remain true to my life values and beliefs and just get on with it, in the best way i know how - positively and lovingly and with a little extra dose of love for my self.

This blog was hard and was difficult to write, but i am on another journey, and i am sharing it all. i don't want to have any more "what if" moments and i certainly can't live my life feeling like i have felt the past week. Life's to short.

With all that said - I do declare my pity party now over.  Bartender, i'd like some real wine please while i go on reminding myself not to sweat the small stuff.