don't sweat the small stuff

"change the things that can be changed,

accept those that cannot,

and have the wisdom to know the difference"

those of you who truly know me, know that i am a pretty relaxed, easy going and peaceful person.  i like to think that this would always be the case, but of late, i feel like i have lost a bit of focus and the ability to look beyond what i consider small stuff - things that shouldn't irritate me but do, things that I have no control over and in the past would have not paid attention to and i would have just allowed life to take it course and have the answer come to me.  right now, i am feeling somewhat overwhelmed and i know it's been a build up of small stuff that has challenged my resilience. i think that is pretty natural when you have built up such an ability to cope, that when you see that the resilience is not as strong as it was, that it's time to do something about it. the tank that holds all my strength, is starting to look and feel a bit empty.

don't worry, i am not losing my mind, or getting all new aged or having my chakras aligned or taking anything herbal and i am pretty sure that my vegetarianism isn't making something lack in my life and my brain, but i am acknowledging that i am feeling a bit burnt out.  and i think that there are probably plenty of people out there who feel the same and don't know why or what to do about it.

When i did my year long photographic journey, i just loved the experience of sharing the good, the bad and the ugly.  It's funny that i am not much of a reader, but i discovered that i do love the write, so i have decided to take us on another writing journey, while i sort all this small stuff out and get back to the place where i feel i give my best to me, to others and to the world.

i remember when i was about 18, my elder sister came to see me and she had done a relaxation course.  she encouraged me to try something - she told me to go lie on the bed and just let my body relax - relax - what the hell did that mean. she told me to just lie there and imagine that my body was heavy and to let it feel like it was falling through to the floor.  and i did, it was weird, and i never thought much about it until today.

I have had to deal with life long anxiety and panic attacks which used to come and go at their whim - but i am pretty sure that these were bought on by a nutty controlling boyfriend and a bad dose of magic mushrooms when i was in my teens.  Trust me, there was nothing magic about those mushrooms. Given that i hate mushrooms, i don't know why i even ate them. but something triggered the anxiety that has always lurked in my life.  even though it doesn't outwardly show, i have had my challenges with it and through using relaxation and a lot of logic, i have not let it control my life.

so here i am nearly THIRTY years later, and i am going to take myself on some more self development to put my universe back into alignment.  of course there's the stuff we do everyday that counts, but it's the stuff we do and really put a conscious effort into that makes a difference.

I had recently read a book called the happiness project, where the writer had documented her journey to determine what happiness is.  For me a sign of happiness is being the best person you can be, living a gracious and peaceful life, speaking with thought and kindness and being a person who other people want to have and to be around.

In my thirties, i really got it, life wasn't meant to be too hard and once i had got over some hurdles and looked right inside my soul, i became the person who you all know - the peaceful, kind, happy, fun loving me. i wasn't that person, until i made a real decision to make changes.

this past few weeks have been truly fucked yes that's right F U C K E D! I know my mother disapproves of my language, but really, sometimes you just need to let it out - FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!

now that i have put some context around this, here is what i am going to do.  i dug back into the recesses of my peacful mind and remember that i shouldn't sweat the small stuff and that's what i am going to do. no more sweating - apart from possible hot flushes that may soon come to a woman of may age.  and given stuff that has been happening, i have been reflecting on what my amazing nana would do, cause she just let stuff wash over her.  she would be in the moment, cause that is the only place we can be.

I went and picked up this book and it has 100 things you can do to bring more change to your life.  some i agree with, some i am not sure of and some i raised an eyebrow at, but i am going to document my journey through the book.  now i'm no mathematician, so i figured i could focus on one thing a week, but crap, once i did the sums, it would take 100 weeks - nearly 2 years to go through all that it has to offer, and i need a quick fix. so i am going to fast track....and hopefully soon, will be able to do what i know is right and not sweat the small stuff, cause it just ain't worth it!