Sunday 16 December 2012

you dirty dolly

i have posted this blog, but forgot to add a very piece of important information.  On friday night i had a really odd dream.  i was lying down on a couch which had a white sheet on it and out of the corner of my eye, i see a mouse running towards me.  of course that freaks me out in the dream and i do what i can to get away, but the mouse runs up the sheet to my face and i have to grab it and  it was awful and then i wake up.  So when i get up, i check my dream book about mouse and this is what it be frightened by a mouse portends a social embarrassment.
Read on........

so it seems that my blog posts keep getter further and further apart - why, i don't know, as i always seem to have plenty of material on hand to share, so perhaps when all the nonsense of this festive season is over, i may be able to share more.
last night was my work Christmas party and we headed off to an un-named venue and it will remain un-named as i will have to shame them for their atrocious vegetarian options later in my post.
so, i had the frock - you know the one that i couldn't reveal, but could reveal that it matched the Christmas tree......
so this style of dress isn't my usual style, but with this extraordinary pink, i decided to shimmer in pink. Pink  everything in fact, right down to my toenails.
and off we go, to the un-named venue
first thing i do is notice that we weren't there in time to enjoy the pesto and beetroot dips that were on offer - shame.
second thing i do is scope out the Christmas decorations to see if anything would make it into my very small handbag to bring home.  this may have happened last year, but i can neither confirm or deny.

as we get settled into the evening (i didn't drink, so had no chance of taking any decorations home - even if i did have a plan on how to make them disappear without anyone noticing) i cracked my bon bon and of course, now that i have old lady eyes, i had to take a photo of the joke and enlarge it on my phone so i could read it.
funny hey!
then they start to bring out the meals and i firstly get offered some kind of meat dish which i politely handed back and no sooner did i do that, then a ninja whizzed by and crossed my knife and fork over. WTF - this must be code for she has a special dietary requirement, we'll show her....

and sure enough they did.  i have no photo of these travesties, but it's probably better
entree: a freezing cold tomato sliced into 3 and smothered in the same pesto and beetroot dips that i missed out on enjoying when i arrived. oh delicious
main meal: mushroom risotto - sorry, don't eat mushroom. next best option was sweet potato mash and a piece of that chewy chinese green stuff  - wang chung, or whatever the hell it is and on top of the mash was some drab eggplant rolled up with ricotta
the dessert, or "the best" as they called it: delicious (still not naming them) firstly it was pannacotta (a vegetarian treat) which i handed back and then received delicious  flourless chocolate cake with raspberry sorbet. yummo
so while we are having our dessert they draw all the raffles - no winners at our table, or was there - and then the entertainment arrives
this guy, darren carr and his wooden friend who he keeps in a suitcase take to the stage
not sure what to make of this, i paid full attention and laughed hysterically at his totally PC incorrect jokes and his use of good swear words.
i was loving it, until he moved his attention from some sucker in the audience onto me. maybe it wasn't meant to be me, but i swear that doll was looking right at me, like he wanted me, i suppose i was blinding him with my pink shimmer and my glitter and so yep, it must have been me.
he asked my name - Jan, i said
he was winking at me, ogling me. oh my god, it was a wooden doll
i had to yell out that i was married, but no that didn't stop him
he asked me if i liked wood
he was gyrating, telling me that i wanted him cause he had wood
he just didn't stop and i just didn't stop laughing,
that doll was being totally inappropriate and gesticulating inappropriate things to me. i loved it and so did everyone else it seems.
but when i was asked by that doll if wanted to have sex in the suitcase, he knew he'd gone tooo far
but he did ask again and again - winking and gyrating, he knew i was a catch

oh, if only i wasn't married, i'd be covered in splinters somewhere between here and his next gig.
haaaa, imagine if it was in woodburn....

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