Sunday, 19 November 2017

DSTSS- the art of love

91. Fill your life with love

I am writing today about love, a subject that brings me both pure joy and frustrating frustration.

Rather than waiting for other people to provide the love we desire, 
we must be a vision and a source of love. 

LOVE LOVE LOVE, the thing that drives us as humans.  Our love for others, our love for life, and our love for self.

I can hardly spruik about my success in love, but I can shout out loud about my success in loving life, loving self and filling my and other people's life with love.

My marriage was a constant battle about trying to understand why the man who "loved" me would continually abuse me and treat me in a way that made me feel so unloved. What was a saving grace for me, is that my capacity to "be love" enabled me to get through, by continuing to give him love, show love to those around me and to especially love myself, with my ultimate realistion that the love i have for myself is worth more than the bad love i was receiving, and with that came great change.

Since moving to Melbourne and being a very much single woman, I find myself sometimes feeling like all of the characters out of Sex and the City, navigating their way through the perils and delights of dating in a big city in the quest to find that one person with whom everything just fits, your body, your mind, your desire to make memories, even down to your preferred eating habits.  Is it a big ask?  I don't think so, cause it seems that many people have it. I know people who have it and I wonder why it eludes me.

I have the sweetness of Charlotte, the sassiness and writing skills of Carrie, the balls and smarts of Miranda and the va va voom of Samantha. Thank you, I'd like to shake hands with that fabulous cock. Oh and style, i got a swag of that. You could say I am an all rounder and I am actually not a fictional character.  I am bone fide real. So what gives? I don't want to be that women who does everything alone.

When I do go on dates (yes there have been some), the guys always wonder why I am single and often say I must have men lining up to ask me out. Reality is no, I don't. Nope, just turned around, no line, no one holding the deli style ticketing system number waiting to be called to the front of the queue. No security needed here to keep away the eager chaps.

I am actually very open and very ready to have romantic love. I have no doubt that my financial constraints have played a part in narrowing my search for love - think speed dating nights, singles events and generally going out, but what about chance meetings, and right swipes - they are two very real possibilities.  Chance meetings haven't happened (my friend thinks my confidence may scare blokes off - I see them looking but looking to afraid to talk - should i add some more beige to my wardrobe or flavour up with some vanilla?) and the right swipes have happened, but I think that there is so much online fatigue that being connected to others is what people say they want, but in reality, it seems to be a race to the next best "easy" thing.  Technology is killing relationships and human contact and connection, unless of course you literally run into someone with their head down in their phone.

I liken online introductions to a human catalogue where there's not much sincerity and when you do actually spell out what it is you are looking for or expecting, it comes with an instant dismissal cause most boys just wanna have fun.... Having said that, Tinder has connected me with some great people who i have shared some great experiences with, but my ultimate goal is to meet one person I connect with who just wants to be with me and go on a wild crazy journey of love that is easy and kind.

Have I got the concept of love wrong? Am I expecting too much to think that there could be a right fit for me? How many toads do I have to kiss till I find a frog?

One of the pitfalls of being someone who lives in the moment is that you are very aware of the concept of time and your own mortality and at 51, how much do i leave to fate and how much should i take charge of the love boat and try to push it full steam ahead? The universal law seems to think that when we force something it doesn't happen for you......

So what keeps me going with all this when my desire to experience true meaningful love is so real and present, yet seems so out of reach? Hope. I live in hope and belief and with the concept of Letting Go, Letting God (as nonreligious as I am).  It seems to be the most helpful I think. Surrender and accept what is meant for me, but keep one eye peeled, should opportunity present itself. That's a real tough gig when you see people who go through revolving doors of relationships.

The other thing is to fill my life with love and continue to be a beacon of love in as many ways as i can. When we have a strong love of self, it really does help us to deal with any of those doubts you feel.  I am a total ENFP in the Myers Briggs scheme of things, which means I function better when there are people around me to feed my soul. So the times when that loneliness of not having someone to share my intimate life with can overshadow my awesomeness, I remind myself how fantastic I am and how grateful I am to be alive and turn my focus to other things I enjoy, or I just return to the "moment" I am in and keep breathing and moving forward knowing that those moments will pass.

So as the chapter says, fill your life with love. Rather than waiting for other people to provide the love we desire, we must be a vision and a source of love and that is exactly what I am doing as I go about taking steps on this planet. Being a genuinely loving person and radiating love in everything I do, is what really matters and will pave the way for anything else that may come my way. So says chapter 91......

Note to self: Continue to walk around sending love out in to universe with every beat of your heart with the hope that there is someone out there who will catch it and return it to you with a smile and their hand held out for you to grab tightly.

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