Tuesday 17 May 2016

the wife who left

how was your weekend???? well mine was filled with a collision of fucked up moments that filled me with the desire to rethink some things in my life and find courage to release them in order to keep moving forward towards becoming a more free peaceful person.
i have even rethunk my online dating practices after having a string of suitors, whose only interest is when they can put their dick in me cause they see nothing more than a body.  i am so much more than that.

what triggered this post, was an experience that took me back to my old life.  i'm kinda glad it did, because i'm in a place where i feel no fear whatsoever for sharing. and if any men who read this think that i'm just a typical angry women, then you should probably rethink how you are interacting the women in your life, cause unless you have been on the receiving end of this stuff, then you should never judge.

i felt really out of sorts over the weekend. i've been on the other end of some pretty horrific sober and drunken outbursts....and these were by someone who claimed to love me, so the outcome of this weekend, was a catalyst for me to free myself further and step away from poor behaviour of others.

Don’t you just hate it when stuff from the past rears its ugly head…It’s taken enormous courage for me to make change and begin a new life away from the comfort zone of what i knew.  i moved to the other end of the country, with only a job - only knowing 3 people, having left many things behind.

I’ve taken some steps to distance myself from people who have been in my life this week, people I care about, people I welcomed into my home, people I would love to see and hug and enjoy being with and people who would never know the true effects of what I am feeling today, because I have been too respectful, embarrassed, humiliated and scared to share any of it, because i would always be seen as the bad guy, who pushed someone else to behave they way they did.

I chanced upon a photo of my ex-husband and his new lady in a passionate embrace. I wish them well, because honestly, I feel so much more at peace and maybe there have been lessons learnt. What I didn’t like was the outpouring of love for this beautiful new couple from people who would never know what my life was really like.

For many years I begged for change and yes, I left my husband and he reminded me of that constantly and that he couldn't guarantee he could change any of his behaviour (and yet never actually tried).  i even researched and thoughtfully opened a discussion some years back as to the effects of emotional abuse on others and he acknowledged it, but never took action. i told him many times that our relationship would never be able to endure this kind of behaviour towards me and others.

I am pretty sure that very few people know the torment I was living for most of this relationship. I didn’t leave, I was too fucking scared and fearful and I had nowhere to go, but instead, I held my head high, put on a happy face, i would embrace my friends with love while feeling sick to my stomach, continued to go to my job every day while weathering the storm that was ongoing emotional abuse, yelling, intimidation, smashing of possessions (nothing like driving a vehicle and having your windscreen punched out or having the police ask if you are ok and you say yes, because you are too scared to say no), threats of self-harm, ongoing public and private humiliation, obscene verbal abuse and aggression towards members of my family until I finally had the courage to say no more and even then i was made to feel bad, because i took a step towards my right to live a life of peace and calm.  there was never a physical incident towards me, thankfully.

Would you ever know what it’s like to have a sick feeling in your stomach day after day, because you just don’t know what you may say or do that will trigger rage? It’s not nice. It’s not healthy and I’m sharing because I want better and I want those around me to have and be better and the only way to grow is to confront the fears you have and release them to make new space. Taking accountability for your behaviour isn’t that hard – it just requires a choice. being sorry for those actions was never sincere and always came back to being me or someone else who was the problem and cause these reactions.

initially i excused all of this stuff, because my resilience was so high that i figured that maybe tomorrow the light bulb moment would occur and i'd see a difference. but i continued on, making excuses and living with my favourite phrase "is this how you are going to be all day" following times of unfathomable events. i was expected to act as if nothing had happened, when the reality was that so much had happened.

my choice was to say i can't do this anymore - i'm not going to be in the firing line because i am 10 minutes late, because i disagreed with you choosing to chase someone down on the road, because they cut you off, because you want to pick a fight, because you aren't getting what you want, because i choose not to sleep near you because you make me feel scared. because i dare have the audacity to stand up for myself.

This may not be the appropriate forum, but really, what is?

I am by no way a perfect human - i am really untidy - but I never ever raise my voice, use aggressive threats or would make another person feel intimidated or scared for their safety or fearful because they challenged a behaviour that isn’t appropriate.  i would never cower over anyone to make a point.

There is no place in the world for this type of behaviour and I hope the light begins to shine brighter on the subject so that people can understand the unseen effects that this silence brings to many.

I really am an incredibly resilient woman, who has endured so much more then what I have shared here and I am sharing, because I would never like to see anyone I know or don’t know find themselves in a position where they feel they have no hope, or are in the wrong.

Having this calm and peace back in my life has taken time as I have had to deal with enormous feelings of guilt, realisation that I’m not responsible for another person’s actions, the reality that i'm not responsible for breaking someone else and leaving them with no hope or future all while sitting on this pile of guilt that was thrown to me, yet evaporated so quickly due to a right swipe on tinder.

it’s been really hard to climb this mountain, But i've done it and i feel amazing and I feel free. Sure, there was lots of fun and adventures, and great times in that relationship, but having them overshadowed by fear doesn’t make them great memories. i don't actually care for any fallout from this, because really, i won't be accountable for someone else's inability to deal with their actions.....regardless or ever again!

i know that i am courageous and probably do and say many of the things that people wish they could do and say, but for so many people, I’ll always be the wife who left, and yep I did, but now, I’m the wife who is finally saying why.


  1. Jan, Thank you for sharing this. You tell the story of many of us. You are brave and strong and resilient. Katrina

    1. thank you. as i go through my life, i really want to do what i can to inspire others to be the person they are meant to be, without being held back by anything or anyone. if i can help one person. they i have made a difference.

  2. Lovely.. i have only now come across your blog but you are telling my story as well. I left too.. I have found peace now but so many women are still stuck. So glad you found the strength to leave. Xoxo

    1. thank you. It's a common silent story for so many women. so glad you have moved to a better place. it feels amazing. if i can assure one woman to know they are not alone in this and hopefully, they will find their courage. have a lovely day. jan

  3. Lovely.. i have only now come across your blog but you are telling my story as well. I left too.. I have found peace now but so many women are still stuck. So glad you found the strength to leave. Xoxo

  4. Thank you Jan for sharing your story, you put into words so well what it is really like for so many women. I've been in this situation twice in my life, first with my husband and only fled when it was starting impact my precious baby only 6mnths old. The second was my own mother, who I fled to for safety when leaving my husband. Never had i expected her to assert the same power and control that I had run from. It has been a long emotional journey of moving cities, court battles and financial hardship to finally be free of this toxic shit. I get really angry those who have no experience of this situation make the comment "she was the one that left". I only recently found your blog after finding you on @everydaystyle on instagram. Stay strong and cherish your knew life Jan. xxx (@style_moi on instagram)

  5. oh my goodness Jenni. yeah being the one who left is a bit of a hard pill to swallow, cause i had never shared why with anyone. i just carried on with my head held high. well done to us ladies who have had the courage to no longer accept the shit that came our way. have a beautiful weekend.